Both breaking someones heart and having your heart broken is some of the worst pain you will ever go through, but it is part of life. Recently, I have gone through it. It was an unhealthy relationship that I finally escaped from, but even though it was toxic, I still find myself longing for moments that I once had. Just because a lot of it was bad, doesn’t mean all of it was. We all love to be loved, and that was just about the only thing they were good at: making sure I knew they loved me. It seems like they should be enough, but sadly, it wasn’t.
The first couple of days, were pretty calm. I was sad, but I felt like it was the right choice. After that, the days started to get worse. I became angry and upset at everything, including at myself for mistakes I had made and for not fighting more. Then the anger would transfer somewhere else. Following the anger, came devastation. Something I do not like to admit, but should, is that through all of these days, a lot of the emotions were elevated due to alcohol. The worst of which came on the worst days.
After a particularly bad night, I realised that the best thing for me, was to not have this person in my life anymore. As soon as I said that and told them that, I began feeling better. There were still sad moments and moments of anger, but the healing process would not be able to happen until they were gone… as they were the root of my pain. As I pulled myself out of the cycle of sadness and anger, my mind felt free-er than it’s been in months, if not years. All of the crazy thoughts of what they had done to hurt me, what they had lied about, all of the terrible things they had, began to leave the front of my mind and just dwell a bit at the back. Eventually, they were barely there at all.
This being said, it has been just over a week and I know it will take longer to move on, but I never would have thought that I would be able to feel this way after only a week. What I would guess, is that I had been hurt so many times, that bits of my heart had been leaving them, piece by piece, lie by lie.
One moment that stood out, was when I was in yoga: I was told to set an intension for the practice. I began to cry. As I am not an very emotional person and also hate crying, especially in public, I had no idea what the tears were for… but then it hit me. Relief. I was relieved. I felt like I was finally free and I was no longer being held back, made to feel guilty, made to feel like I was the source of their problems with their self.
When I was still with them, I feel like I was blind to what they had actually done to me. Yes, I would get mad every time I found out something new, but even if I would think about ending it, I never would follow through. Now that it is over, I am questioning how I was able to put up with their wrong doings for so long. Long story short: Love. Love makes you do stupid things.